Modern manners: Talk to Grapesy

Dear Grapesy,

My girlfriend, a well-known diet guru, thinks my mistress is getting a bit heavy. She gave me some great tips to pass on, but if I do, I'm busted. Would it be terribly dishonest if I were to suggest they came from my wife, instead?

Dear Grapesy,

Is it considered acceptable, after you've shagged a bird you Bluetoothed in the toilets of a fake Irish pub, to send an SMS next morning to say thank you?

Dear Grapesy,

How long is it considered polite to wait after the wedding itself to put the videos of the groom having his balls painted with bootpolish and his eyebrows shaved off on YouTube?

Dear Grapesy,

A young man I see on the bus every morning has attracted my attention. He's very cute, and we've started smiling at each other and whatnot. He has an MP3 phone, but doesn't believe in headphones. My dad is hard of hearing, but not deaf. How far can I expect he'll ram the phone up my new boyfriend's arse when I bring him home for the first time?

More Modern Manners coming soon!